“I’m Fine” Is a Lie We Tell to Survive
If you were anything like me as a child, pool days were some of the best days. Aside from swimming with friends, I was always fascinated by the buoyancy of the water. Take a beach ball for example. I remember using all my might to push it down beneath the water. Nevertheless, the ball always broke the surface again. I spent so much energy trying to fight against a natural process: the water’s strength inevitably overpowered the airy beach ball. As I grew older, this beach ball has taken on different forms. It manifests as sadness, anger, frustration, and even heartbreak. The more we suppress (or push down this beach ball) the more energy we waste. All of these emotions accompany natural experiences in life. No matter how hard we reject them, we must experience them if we want to welcome the opportunity for growth. Instead of fighting against buoyancy, it can feel like I am fighting against my emotions. The more effort we put into emotional suppression, the more time those emotions spend fighting back against us. So, I have a question for you. Are you really “fine’”?
Defining “Fine”
Even when we say we’re fine, we are not expressing our full range of emotions. According to Merriam-Webster, fine is an adverb meaning “very well”. However, when people say they are doing “fine”, it typically means the opposite of the true definition. “Fine” has become a catchall for the unpleasant feelings that brew inside of us. As an alternative to unpacking them, we feel obligated to suppress them. Instead of exploring the full range of our emotions, it is easier to sum it all up in a simple, one word answer. Telling others that you’re doing fine is a way to abruptly end a conversation before unpacking what lies beneath the surface. This is emotional suppression at its finest. Again, the beach ball is still there and fighting against you. But, there is a reality where you can come out on top.
Authentic Emotional Expression
Enough of letting this beach ball tire you out. After all, it is only doing what nature allows. We can fight the natural order of things, and flow with the river. It’s time to address the elephant in the room. When was the last time you sincerely expressed how you feel? For some, the opportunity may not present itself very often. You may have a busy lifestyle that does not allow much time to sit and feel your emotions. The beach ball doesn’t put up much of a fight because…you don’t fight back at all. There’s no blame to place here. We are a product of the world around us. From an early age, we learn about how others perceive us. Oftentimes, we are told to put on a brave face and not let others see us sweat. It becomes a method of survival. In doing so, we disservice ourselves. While people pleasing, we shun our emotions. The fear of how another person will respond is holding us back. The beach ball continues fighting, no matter how many times you tell others that you’re fine.
People Pleasing and How to Combat It
Wanting the best for other people is not a bad thing. In fact, the best relationships take place between those who experience mutual joy and respect. We’re human beings who thrive on connection. We often strengthen these connections by doing things that make others happy. In turn, they want to be around us even more, and vice versa. However, there is a dangerous line that can easily be crossed. When we begin to place the needs and wants of others over our own wellbeing, this behavior becomes problematic. In pleasing others, we rob ourselves of the pleasure that we deserve to feel. It is important to find a balance between bringing joy to others, without neglecting our own. In order to prevent people pleasing robbing us of our joy, we have to recognize what causes this behavior.
At its core, people pleasing is a defense mechanism. Some of us (whether we know it or not) practice people pleasing at work, with friends, and amongst family. This desire to protect and nurture those around us may come naturally. However, people pleasing is not entirely a selfless act. To clarify, people pleasers are likely selfless people. However, they may practice people pleasing in order to avoid any sort of discomfort. For example, pretend you are attending a friend’s birthday party. Your friend has asked you to bring sodas for the party, while other guests are responsible for different items. Immediately, the wheels begin to turn. You may worry about what others are bringing, fearing that the party will be a disaster if someone fails to bring an adequate amount of desserts. You spend hours agonizing over this, sacrificing your own peace of mind and the ability to enjoy the festivities. When the party arrives, you end up spending extra money on cupcakes, though the assigned guest ends up bringing plenty for everyone to share. Now, you feel embarrassed and have unnecessarily spent your own money. The fear of disappointing your friends and her guests leads you to act impulsively. In wanting to please others, you put yourself in an unnecessarily stressful situation that could have been easily prevented.
Now that we have an understanding of people pleasing and how it can affect your daily life, it’s important to understand how we can combat it. Here are a few simple ways to practice both authentic emotional expression and reject people pleasing tendencies. It may feel uncomfortable in the beginning but will become easier with more practice.
Embrace the art of saying “no”
This may seem controversial, but saying “no” is a healthy and necessary part of life. If we agree to everything that others present to us, we may end up with both resentment and an empty social battery at the end of a long day. In saying “no”, we can practice honoring our own wants and desires. We have all been in a situation where we have been asked to do something that we simply do not have enough time for. Guilt and the need to please usually creeps in…and our agreement typically follows soon after. Instead of listening to our body and tuning into our emotions, we tell others that “it’s fine”, while grinning and bearing our way through the discomfort. Instead of suffering, we have the right to say “no” whenever we want to. It may seem simple, but that one, two-letter word can give us the freedom that we so desire. Instead of being weighed down by the obligations of people pleasing, we can clearly explain our boundaries and only handle what we are able to. This is the simplest way to honor your emotions while stepping away from people pleasing.
Emotional check-ins
Whether or not we vocalize them, we experience a wide range of emotions throughout the day. Disney Pixar’s Inside Out does a wonderful job at breaking down the complexities of our emotions. They are constantly firing off inside our heads and fighting for control of the body. Instead of suppressing our emotions, we can take the time to acknowledge them. Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) tells us to be aware of our emotions without allowing them to cause us undue stress. It’s like the beach ball scenario. Instead of fighting against those emotions, we hold space for them. We allow ourselves to feel present in the moment. Eventually, they fade (or float away).
Emotional check-ins can be a solo activity or one we practice amongst friends and family. For solo emotional check-ins, I enjoy journaling. Some smartphones are equipped with a built-in journaling app for on the go. When I have the time, I love the feeling of putting my pen to the paper of a physical journal. I intentionally sit and check in with my body. Journaling is an outlet for me to express the many complex emotions that I may feel at any moment.
If you feel comfortable opening up to friends or family, this can be a great way to practice expressing your emotions. It can also be effective to listen to friends vent about how they may be feeling. Their vulnerability can inspire you to follow in their footsteps. Recognizing that vulnerability lies at the heart of friendship can also help encourage emotional expression. True friends want what is best for us, which includes authentic emotional expression. The next time a friend asks how you are doing, challenge yourself to answer honestly. It may be easier to try expressing more positive emotions. Instead of saying you are “fine”, try telling your friend that you are excited or happy to see them. Practicing vocalizing your more lighthearted emotions may make it easier to tell your friends when you are feeling the opposite.
Destigmatize “negative” emotions
From an early age, we receive different messaging about emotions. Phrases like “turn that frown upside down” teach us that sadness is an emotion that should be avoided. Obviously, none of us aim to be sad. Yet, it is an inevitable part of life that we must accept. In order to live a fulfilling life, we will be in situations that have the ability to make us upset. Being upset does not mean the sky has fallen. For example, vacations are usually an exciting time for all of us. We can escape the stressors of everyday life and explore a new environment. However, vacations can bring plenty of uncertainty. We may be in a new environment, meeting strangers, and trying different cuisine. All of these factors may lead to discomfort. Yet, we still push ourselves to go for it anyway. Usually, we have confidence that the end result will be positive. If we tell ourselves that discomfort is a natural part of life, it makes it easier for us to embrace this emotion when it arises. Instead of suppressing discomfort and change, we allow it to take place.
Anger is another emotion that often gets a bad wrap. Oftentimes, when we experience anger it brings a plethora of side effects. We may feel hot, have clammy hands, and a racing heart. Overall, these sensations are not pleasant. Yet, our body is trying to tell us something. Anger does not have to have a negative outcome. The more we practice emotional regulation, the more we realize that emotions do not have to rule our life. We can be angry, acknowledge it, and channel that energy towards feel-good actions. Anger is not the enemy, which can be said for all “negative” emotions.
Handling Shame and Remaining Authentic
People pleasing is not the sole obstacle towards authentic emotional expression. Shame often tells us not to verbalize “negative” emotions. This is a sign of vulnerability. If someone hurts our feelings and later asks about it, it feels like they have cracked our shell. We can choose to be vulnerable and let them know they have wounded us. On the other hand, we can say that we are “fine” and hope that they do not repeat their actions. In this scenario, nobody wins. Shame comes out on top. In reality, this shame pushes us towards inauthenticity. By putting up a wall, we trap ourselves within the confines of a negative experience. The alternative, letting a friend know how they have made you feel, presents a moment to become closer with someone you care about. Being vulnerable with your friends gives them the opportunity to correct this behavior. There is nothing shameful about listening to your emotions. They are trying to tell you something that could be beneficial.
Baby Steps
Humans are creatures of habitat. As mentioned above, we may have learned emotional suppression and implemented it to keep us safe. Diving into the deep end and fully expressing every emotion can be scary. It would be remiss to ignore that perspective. Though the above tips are helpful, there is an even simpler approach to authentic emotional expression. The next time someone asks how you are doing, remove “fine” from your vocabulary. It is a habit. It will be difficult. But, you have a history of doing difficult things and coming out on top.
Alternatives to Saying “I’m Fine”
“I am having a rough day but am not in the mood to talk about it right now. I appreciate you checking in with me.”
“It’s been a rough day. Do you have a minute to chat?”
“I am sad, but I will be okay.”
“I am having a great day. It’s been lovely spending time with you.”
“Today was pretty average for me, but I am content.”
Each of these phrases is an easy way to expand on your emotional vocabulary. The first phrase is particularly helpful to those who may feel uncomfortable unpacking their emotions with the person they are conversing with. As you can see, it still gets the same point across while not ignoring the fact that it has been a tough day. Naming the elephant in the room can be a freeing experience.
Emotions…They are Just Like Us!
Truthfully, emotions are doing their best to keep your body safe. Happiness tells us to increase the behavior that leads to the giddy feeling. Sadness tells us that we need some nurturing. Fear tells that body that we may be in a dangerous situation. Emotions can work to help us and enhance our lives. No one likes to be ignored. Though emotions are not sentient beings, they demand our attention…acknowledging them breeds authenticity.
In Closing
Back in elementary school, I heard a phrase that stuck with me to this very day. At the close of the morning announcements, the teacher would say “make it a great day or not. The choice is yours.” as a child, i thought it was silly. How am I solely responsible for how my day goes? For all she knows, the cafeteria can run out of chicken nuggets before I make it to the front of the line! Nowadays, the fear of a chicken nugget shortage does not hold the same weight. The more I think about her words, the more empowered I feel. We may not have control over those around us. They may say and do things that turn our day upside down. Yet, we are in the driver’s seat. We can decide how we want to react in those situations. Maybe it looks like being assertive, opening up, or even healthy confrontation. No matter which route we choose, we have the ability to practice authenticity. The difference between a great day and any other day is how we react to it. So to you, dear reader, will today be a “fine” day? Or will you embrace what lies beneath? The choice is yours.